Should i forgive him for leading me on

I recently caught my wife cheating on me through a whats app chat made available to me by a friend. I am really failing to forgive her completely though we are back together. Please help. Work with your own emotions around it, and work to make sure you are both communicating. I, met my ex husband when i was I had my daughter and he raised her as his own till she was nine and a half.

We were together for almost 10 years. He was good to me.. He worked hard and showed me a lot he was eight years older than i was.. We had a good relationship we also concieved my second daughter. I was happy.. But then as time went i started getting depressed.. I gained a lot of weight.. And i wanted to move out of the state we was in or atleast to another town.

But he fidnt want to because of his job.. He got so obsessed with work.. It seemed like we didnt even have time for eachother.. I probably stopped trying and in my depression i found online someone else … I started to fall inlove with his words and his kindness.. Every day was the same thing for 8 years.. He would leave 5am till 9 or 10pm.. Eat dinner , shower and bed..

On weekends he worked saturdays same times.. Go grocery shopping, to the laundrymat, and maybe eat out and go home … I got so tired and depressed.. But he didnt.. So i decided i was leaving to pensylvania..

I started to feel alive again.. Its obvious that i hadnt had a childhood since i had a baby so early.. I finally met my online friend and i felt so happy.. While i knew this that i had done had made him suffer a lot… And i was so happy with the new guy at the moment i didnt really care.. Then two months after i had left i found out he was with my cousin.. I shattered inside.. I felt like i was dying inside it hurt so much … I couldnt handle it and i decided to go back to CT were he was and try to take back my family..

But it was too late … He had gotten her pregnant.. Then it was worst cause i tries and tried to get him back but nothing worked … Time passed and i decided to go back to PA and i suffered and cried myself to sleep i was so depressed for a long time.. After a year and a month after there son was born i got pregnant of the guy i met online.. Witch is now my sons father.. But he abandoned me 3 months after the baby was born.. Sometbing else that broke me more inside.. But i never gave up and just fought through… after a while i started dating again..

And going online.. I moved to NC , I remarried , Ive been blessed since i moved here I got my lisence and a job and i bought a house etc. But we have managed to past through them.. So this passed.. All this time i had blocked my cousin and my daughters father out of my life completely.. I didnt want to know anything about them to avoid feeling that hurt again.. So this passed May.. He texted for my daughters birthday after over three years.. And after a few words i decided to let him talk to my daughter … But then he wanted to facetime and wanted to get more involved and my cousin also and she wants me to be like almost her best friend..

Thry are now married and have two kids together.. All my feelings and my hurt came back seeing how everything i wanted him to do with me hes doing with her.. And yes im jelous.. We would have never had to go through this pain.. I try to be strong.. But its so hard trying to just play along.. Trying to let things go.. I was fine before he came back in our lives..

My biggeat problem is.. That I have to live with this for the rest of my life.. Because were cousins and because now his kids are my daughters brothers.. Ive tried everything to let it go.. But i belive this is to hard for me to do on my own.. Please Help.. This is affecting my marriage now.. This is an awful lot of things to have been through. Anyone would feel confused and overwhelmed and perhaps angry and bitter too.

These are all perfectly normal reactions to difficult situations, even if we do make some of the decisions that cause them. So the first thing is to try not to judge yourself and to have as much self-compassion as possible. Then do try to seek support. Seek someone to talk to about this all. Can you reach out to a counsellor in your area? If you are on a budget, look at our piece on low-cost counselling.

As you said, this sort of thing has a domino affect, it will affect your relationship. Counselling really can help. We wish you well with it! My husband gave me an ultimatum that we live with his parents after marriage and move out if we are unhappy. It was the worst 5 yrs of my life. We have moved out due to work however I still replay how I was treated but his parents over and over and get furious. I have become a prisoner in my mind. Can you help please?

Hi Neri, that sounds really hard. This sort of experience, especially five years of it, can leave a backup of really big emotions.

About 2 years ago my relationship of 8 years fell apart, and I had to re-establish myself as an individual. It was a difficult time, where I had to have emergency surgery and also got involved with a man I fell for who subsequently left me for someone else on a dating app after he visited me in hospital, took me on holiday, and spent 2 months seeing me regularly.

It was really tough. Around this time I had a best friend who came to visit London. Although living in different continents, we have been friends since leaving high school about 13 years.

I was her bridesmaid at her wedding and knew her before she met her husband. We had a good time and stayed in touch. Yet she did not have the time to see me, especially after everything that happened. I was hurt. There was a mixup in the messages the night we were supposed to meet and she had no internet so I had no idea where to go in the end.

So I never went. Then I got a bunch of messages over the next couple of days — technology to blame. She was in the UK for 2 weeks and never even bothered to pick up the phone to call me.

I waited patiently. I felt like such a fool. That I felt that we were drifting apart, and that she was important to me. But that I respected her decision if she felt she had more important matters or people to attend to. But that I was hurt and upset because I considered her my best friend. She replied, agreeing that yes there was distance and we should both make an effort. She never did. I cut contact and removed her from Facebook. I have no answers. All I ever did was want to meet my best friend one to talk and have a good time.

Instead I feel like a burden and a waste of space. Like an annoyance, an afterthought. How can people be so cruel?? Around the same time, I had an argument with my sister who was disagreeing with how often I visited my mother.

Apparently my mother had been discussing her feelings of abandonment with her and she took upon herself to send me the message. This was while I was recovering from surgery, without a fiance and alone in a country without my family.

It was terrible. I moved past it and went to the home for Christmas. So one stupid thing tipped things over the edge and she went absolutely mental.

The past few months we have been speaking, she is now in London but we have not seen each other. I cannot forgive her for the way she treated me with no consideration to what I was going through at the time — essentially a divorce and major surgery in a foreign country. In one of her venomous messages she cited things from our childhood, things completely irrelevant to today and completely in the past.

And I cannot reason with that. I feel our relationship is ruined. I only have my mother and that is not really the closest relationship either. She blames me for not being there with her to support her after my father died, I was only 20 years old and was trying to process things myself. She used me as an emotional crutch for years. It was actually terrible among the other things she said.

So i have made my peace with it and I actually wish her well. I feel emotionally traumatised. Since everything happened a year ago I have been waking up with severe anxiety.

I think about these things on and off all day. I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years. There had been a couple of incidents of unfaithfulness on my partners part which he admitted to. We worked through that and tried to rebuild trust. I eventually moved to his town as I believed this relationship was moving forward in the right direction. Full trust was not there yet but it was improving.

I was devastated. He blames his behaviour on his divorce and being dumped by his ex wife and the distance in our relationship. He says that the behaviour is out of character for him. He was recently divorced when we met.

We have huge arguments about it and I lash out with such anger which is out of character for me. Living in the same small town where all this happened is very difficult as well.

I keep thinking what a fool he made out of me and what others must think. I am trying to rid myself of the bitterness I have and this article gives some good advice. Hi Nat, thanks for sharing. Because our ways of being with others, and our capacity to trust and form healthy relationships with good boundaries, come from what we learn in our families.

Long story short — if you feel anxious and are finding it hard to connect, there is more than enough here in your story to consider seeking some real support. A counsellor or therapist would definitely be of help and could help you recognise patterns of relating that leave you feeling constantly rejected, used, and deflated, and help you practise new ways of doing things that mean you feel better and form relationships with others that feel supportive.

We wish you courage! Thank you for sharing. Poor you, that is definitely a challenging situation to be in. It sounds like you have tried hard to be patient. Please do not judge yourself for being angry. Try not to judge yourself. Take things one day at a time. Focus on what little ways you can be kind to yourself, take care of yourself, support yourself. Even just one little small thing each day. Then do seek support if you can. It is great you went to a couples counsellor, but it might be worthwhile to go speak to someone alone to see what it is that this relationship is giving you, if it is enough or not, and what your heart is telling you is the right way forward.

My husband and mother in law planned business trip out of the country, they got their tickets and everything ready and I was pregnant, they were supposed to leave the country a month of I gave birth to the baby and be there for a whole month.

Gosh that must have been a truly painful experience for you Mary, we are sorry to hear about that. Is there a pattern here? Is there any way this has triggered old feelings of being abandoned and uncared for that might be bigger than even this situation?

Your husband has made a mistake. My husband does not do compliments. We went on holiday with a couple he has known for years. The holiday was a disaster. My husband hung on to her every word. Keeping his distance from me. I vented my hurt and anger to him. He asked me to keep the holiday smooth for the rest of the holiday.

On the last evening before flying home I arrived back to our room. He was talking to her on the balcony as by some miracle booking separately for this holiday we had the room next door. She says to me in an instant. Lots more happened too over the 2wks that broke my heart. Our marriage is in tatters. I cannot forgive him. He is sorry now but never showed he was sorry when it counted. Hi Linda, thanks for sharing. They are built over years or decades of unspoken things on both sides.

What is it you want here? And what could help you move forward? Is couples counselling an option? Or counselling just for yourself? They could both be immensely useful at this juncture. After hanging out as friends we got on great and he told me he wanted to give things another go. Thanks for this brave sharing.

It sounds really hard. It often is when we are the one who goes through the hard parts and then the person moves on and has a better relationship. But the question here to ask is, is this a pattern? What is it within you that feels you deserve that, where did you learn you must be the one to teach others how to love?

What would it feel like to find someone already good at love? Would you actually be comfortable with that, or is there work to do here? These are all great questions to start asking. And yes, we can absolutely recommend good therapies for this.

Read our article on therapies specifically created to help with relating issues. I was offered a Job by a person whom I thought was a wonderfull man He flew me over from my country to him in his establishment which is a pub restaurant.

To get to the point i was there for 5 months. He kept belittling and taking wgich caused the decli e of resoect toward me from the staff members. He accused me of many things. When I would ask the what or how or when I woukd be simpmy told that I know the answer. No matter what I did my employer would insult me and often and I mean very often would twist facts and lie much to further damage my confidence.

I was filled with anxiety and my confidence over the period I was there took such a nose dive. I bacame very introvert. I becane nervous and self loathing to the point where customers thought I was wurd and taint me in a negative light.

Eventually I was accused of theft even though camera footage showed otherwise. The final blow came when I was on shift and I was summoned to the bosses office to be handed a letter stating termination of employment with the accusation of soliciting drugs and woman abuse!! I was removed by security and left homeless and my boss feeling elated as if I was his worst enemy. I was barred from ever entering the premises.

I was staying in a flat upstairs. I was blocked from social media and all communication. That was 4 months ago. I still feel depressed and I feel lost rejected and hate my self. I still have no answer as to why all this abuse. I was assaulted a few times. My boss had been using cocaine and has a history of woman abuse and many other dark past deeds. I just cant fet over my depression.

I am trying to brush it off but ny whoke being screams what has happened calls for some form of repercussions!! Yes like all human beings I have been through other injustices but did not hold on to it. I am battling to describe the intensity of the situatiom. How do I find healing? Hi Nick, we are sorry to hear you have had such a horrific experience. Often if we constantly find ourselves in tough situations where we are being abused, criticised, and treated badly it is because in our childhood we developed the core beliefs that we are not worthy.

We did not have a safe, happy childhood where we were fully loved no matter what we did. As an adult we then constantly put ourselves in dangerous situations were we are a victim, and make impulsive decisions that end up not being good for us. Because on a certain unconscious level we believe we deserve bad things to happen. Nobody deserves this sort of treatment. You have to commit to believing you are worthwhile. If we did not grow up believing in our own worth, we have to start to accept that we are not a victim, that we are powerful and can make better choices for ourselves, but we often need support for that.

You say you are depressed. Talk to your GP about this, or seek free or low cost counselling using our guide bit. If you ever feel really low read our article on free helplines in the UK bit. The first incident.

The following week we were out drinking got home and he snapped again! This time braking things in my house i left my home and as i was so upset my friend called the police. Since then he has got a good job and a car and wants to make another go of it. Hi Ailish, thanks for sharing. There is sadly no way this is about a job and a car. Your ex has deep-seated rage that put your personal safety in danger. It appears it comes out when he drinks. It will be rooted in childhood. First he needs help with his drinking, second he needs therapy for anger issues.

We are not here to tell anyone how to lead their life or if they should or should not be in a relationship. We believe each person has their own wisdom. The best thing here is to ask yourself some good questions. How high is your self-esteem? Do you have beliefs that you deserve to be treated well, or that you deserve to put up with things? You mention children. Do you have beliefs about finding a relationship now you have children?

Are those beliefs facts, or just assumptions you have made? We hope that helps. My then boyfriend 5 years ago dumped me to go after my niece. My niece also fell for him from what i can see. I have been through a lot of counselling, meditation and prayers to get myself to this stage where i can think of the situation and feel no or less hurt.

I had thought i had everything under control but when recently the news of their plan to get married got to me, i felt a little bit of hurt. I think the hurt was because my niece actually gave me the impression that they were no longer together when she came to visit me. I told the person telling me about it that i would not be at the wedding. She said i have to be and i got pissed with her. What i am asking for is this, they can go ahead and do what ever they want but without me involved in it but some people think that means i am yet to forgive them.

Does this mean i have not forgiven them yet because God knows i really want to let this go. But why cant i control how this makes me feel? Oh Esther what a ghastly situation! We feel that you are being more than fair.

What does it matter if you have forgiven them yet or not? Forgiveness is when you are ready, not when others demand it. What matters is that you are doing what you can to take care of yourself in a way that feels right for you.

And are not hurting anyone in the process. Which you are not. Anyone would feel shocked and hurt to be betrayed like this, and asking you to give your blessing and go to the wedding is simply asking too much.

Stand up for yourself and do what feels right for you. As for controlling feelings, if only! In fact trying to is behind a lot of psychological illness.

Yes, we have to control emotions enough to get along with daily lives. But otherwise, if you feel angry or sad, best to acknowledge it. Spend some time alone journalling, punching a pillow, ranting out loud, and having a good cry.

My friend of 15 years and I began a relationship after his marriage of 28 years broke down. I did know he was uncertain as to what he wanted and so I kept asking him if he was ok to keep the relationship going. I was always honest about how I felt and fell in love with him. Just before my second trip to see him I found out my mum was dying so I was feeling very vulnerable. I was and still am really heartbroken. He seemed to expect me to go back to being friends straight away and I tried.

I was very conflicted and rang a friend of his to gain some clarity. I know being adopted and from my own therapy I have some abandonment issues and that they have been triggered by my experiences with him and by Mum dying. I would really appreciate your thoughts and comments. Fiona, you are going through a lot.

You have experienced a double loss, both a relationship and your mother, which is huge. Give yourself time to grieve and be messy. This relationship became the thing you held onto as what made life good, perhaps. Which is always a dangerous game. What make life good is what is within us. Our own innate value that nobody else can give to us but is waiting within. There is a sense he was a sort of saviour you were hoping for. Perhaps you never felt loved by others a child?

And deep down were waiting for that Prince archetype? But you are a resilient woman. You have reached out for support and are in therapy. You are in the process of saving yourself, which is really the only person who can do the job anyway. Be proud of yourself for that. Recognise your own resilience and strength.

Finally, you are ruminating, your thoughts are veering toward obsessive, you are making small things into big dramas and this situation is dominating your mind. What would be best for you? Would a complete break help you? It an also be used as a way to keep contacting someone who is not really good for us. Hope that helps. Hi my name is lex. Everything started last year August, he was in a relationship same as I was. We were housemate at that time. One night we went out we cheated on our partner and then we did it again a couple of times.

I was in a long distance relationship while he was in a normal one. I saw the girl many times at home with him. There was no feeling between me and him in the beginning but then on November last year he told me he loves me. He parents came over Christmas and he went on holidays without her. He came back on January this year, he said he loves me and was going to leave that girl so we can be together. He said to me he will have to do it when his parents leave, otherwise it will make such a drama and mess around the family.

So he left on the 6th of February. I saw him with that girl before I had to accept the fact she was around in January because his parents was here. Then he brake up on the 6 of February to be with me. How do I get over this? Please help me? What we would say is that you are young. This might feel like the most important thing in the world, but it sounds like you are still learning about trust and love and what constitutes a healthy relationship.

It might be that it stems from deeper childhood issues that mean you are attracted to situations that are dramatic and anxiety-inducing. I learned about 7 years ago that he cheated on me with a childhood friend of his. And had not been honest with me within the entire 17 years. We semi talked and I tried to forgive and move on.

And not just with the childhood friend. It has been at least three others even when I was pregnant with our son who is now 15 and 9. When I discovered the recent text which was in April. All those hurt feelings come back. I try to stay positive for the future but it still hurts. Nikki, it sounds like you put up with an awful lot and hidden behind what you are saying there seems to be a bit of self blame. As if you are somehow responsible.

Simply as this is no small thing but a big mess involving your self-esteem that will have childhood roots, and you need a set of impartial, non judgemental eyes to see the woods from the trees. Hey I recently my best friend said something to me to hurt me. I thought I let it go but it resurfaced after just few days. So I keep trying to create a situation in which I can tell him the exact same thing he said to me.

But this way I am just hurting myself and wasting my time just thinking about it all over and over again. Hi Jo. Although he might not be a changed man in seconds, he can be a good person in the little things he does every day. Forgive him for not being able to be the man you need him to be.

Forgive him for disappointing you, forgive him for making you hate love, forgive him for letting you lose yourself in the process of loving him. Forgive him for leaving you when he could have stayed and worked it through. Forgive him for not being there when you needed him the most. Forgive him for not fighting for you like you would fight for him, forgive him for not loving you as much you love him.

The man who puts you down constantly, emotionally and mentally. The man who makes everything your fault, the man who makes you feel ordinary, the man who makes you feel less than you actually are. Forgive him for not overwhelming you with his problems in his personal life, at work, or just in general.

Forgive him for thinking you are going to do him like everyone else did. Forgive him for allowing his past experiences shape his future instead of enhancing it. Forgive him for not being completely healed or ready for love.

Forgive him for not putting effort in looking good for you or just to impress you. Help him whenever you can. It triggers physical distress.

Here are eight ways to work on that. When someone hurts you, Luskin says, grief and anger are natural and healthy responses. So is self-pity! Constructive anger solves a problem in the moment by galvanizing you so that you respond appropriately to a threat, Luskin says. Destructive anger is repetitive and has no positive result. You just accept it and make peace. So getting hurt is inevitable. We have to have a mechanism for letting it go and making peace, in order to have happy sustainable relationships.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe from danger, Luskin says, and so a lot of the stories we tell ourselves are not accurate. We create these distortions in our head to keep us safe.