Funny facebook status updates vegas

I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream 2. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy but then the murderer comes back, starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie. This is just one of them. I once reported my roommate to INS. I did nothing.

I watched Cookie Monster sing Chocolate Rain about a thousand times. Do you look like you are laughing? Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

I just want everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I want to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, the creator of the Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly.

Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan. It was going really well until everyone died. Blackmail is such an ugly word. Fry cracked corn, I still dont care. Bender cracked corn, and he is great! Take that you stupid corn! I want a goddamn liter-a-cola!! The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends.

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. First the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs came and they all bought Benzes… Who is Pete and why is it for his sake? I put my pants on just like the rest of you — one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records. I straightened it. At least, no more than any normal person should be… Who likes fruitcake? I, on the other hand, am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Stay tuned for more information after a few words from our sponsors. Name wants to go someplace warm where the beer flows like wine Whisper down the lane is not as much fun on facebook as it was when we used to sit in rows on the floor of the school gymnasium. I wish I was as smart as I think I am. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice.

Name thinks the xylophone is totally underrated Where is the chase and how do I cut to it? Happy Holidays, folks. Enjoy your time today. If I become a fan of myself, does that mean that every time I update my wall it will send an update to my wall? A Penn State student trying to raise money for cancer came up to my car asking for money. You deserve to get drunk, vomit on a bar stool, pray to the toilet gods, sweat on the bathroom floor and wake up the following afternoon with a headache, bad breath and nauseous.

Have a good time, because you deserve this. Name is searching for zen. Will they hear it before you get put on hold? Today, the real world is an escape from the internet. If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

If the fate of the world ever rests on knowing 80s music lyrics, call me. We lost our culture around the time we stopped smoking Marlboro Reds and started vaping strawberry cheesecake. I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

Started a new diet, nothing but baked beans and prune juice for the next nine weeks. My therapist told me I need to take the time to find myself. Took me all of 5 minutes. There was a mirror in the bathroom. Who's the smart one now Doc? Read the Rules.